Those girls
I never wanted to be that girl. You know the one that has so much, who's life is good in a million ways, but that's still not quite happy because she doesn't have s boyfriend. When I was younger I looked sideways at these girls, wondering why on earth they weren't enough for themselves; I safeguarded my independence like it was a precious gem, very determinedly stated that I was good on my own, that I , at least wasn't like those girls at all. That I, being different somehow, was okay with being single and that I was okay waiting for as long as it took for the right one, because I needed no one else to validate that I was worth something. It was the mantra I told myself trying not to frown at people that had been single for a month that said that they were lonely. Somehow I felt like I was stronger than them, because I could be my own hero.
Well that was then. I was a lot younger and in many ways a whole lot more convinced about s lot if things. Now, 25 with a unsuccessful story of only wanting people that doesn't want me behind me, I'm done being my own hero. It's officially no fun anymore. Actually it stopped being fun quite s number of years ago. I've been a good single for longer than I care to think of, stubbornly stating that yes of course u want a boyfriend but no I don't need one I'm absolutely fine on my own. Guess what? I'm not fine in my own. I'm lonely, surrounded by people I love there is still something missing. Im that girl. And I officially no longer care that you're not suppose to say these things, that it might sound desperate or pathetic, because I'm fucking don't with this. If I sound pathetic I suppose that's fine (I feel pathetic). Because this is how it is. It doesn't mean that I'm depressed or that my life is all gloom but it does mean that something is missing, something I no longer care to be patient about. I've been told one too many times that it will happen when I least expect it, that it'll be worth the wait when it happens, words from people that (understandably) doesn't have anything more helpful to add, and honestly I don't want to hear it anymore.
I thought that I'd have thus figured out by now, she who frowned at fifteen also took for granted that when she was 25 she'd have someone, someone she didn't have to go out looking for but that would come to her in all on his own. She was an idiot. Apparently things aren't suppose to be that simple. Apparently your gonna have to work on it. I probably should have known that. But I didn't. And now we're here, and I'm not only deathly scared if trying because I'm petrified if failing, I'm also somehow not quite able to visualize how to do it. How to try. Somewhere along the road I dug myself into a hole and didn't bring a ladder thinking I wouldn't need it. So now what..?
